Funny, how you can still feel the pain…

This is going to be a quick post. Possibly somewhat incoherent. Definitely not as well structured nor as poured over or edited as usual. Not just because I sit at my desk with a pile of things to do in front of me; not only because I feel overwhelmed; it isn’t because my personal life seems to be a North and South battle colliding into each other; or because I am sick and feeling much more pain than I really would prefer to have to at the moment and because of this pain and illness I haven’t been able to run which is (I feel) the most effective form of stress release for me. This poor excuse for a submission can be blamed on a combination of all of that above.

My sudden need to feel sorry for myself, a place I despise being in, is what has made me want to write in spite of everything else I should be doing. I always felt like I could handle pressure pretty well. I have withstood much in my past; abuse, divorce, family disapproval and disappointment, overwhelming work responsibility, all of which I took on like a champ. So why is everything so difficult now? I am doing everything I am supposed to do. I have asked for help. I am on medication. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I do still put the ‘brave face’ on at work but I have to keep my job secure or it all comes crumbling down. I ask for space and patience when I need it from people who know when pressure can be too much. The pressure can still be too much. The pressure is too much. Am I depressed again? Is it anxiety?

I feel like such a loser. I hate that I am not strong. I can’t stand that I still go right to an exit strategy. Which means I am still very sick. Have I really taken all those steps forward and admitted my issues to go falling right back into this hole again? I wonder if I will ever find my way out. Or will I go out the exit door…

For right now I stay stuck. No going forward and no moving back. I can only habitually stick with my routine. I have disassociated with my feelings. I am neither happy nor sad but don’t like that I am making everyone else around me unhappy. Funny how I can still feel the pain though. I am a robot, with white-hot lightning rods running through my body. I wonder if I should pick up the phone and call my doctor, or continue through my day. Once I see my children’s faces I am okay. Until then, the world is a dangerous place.

All I want, what I wish for everyday, is to snap my fingers and be in a different place; a place where it is safe to feel. In this place I can be who I really am and the happiness is real. There isn’t anyone I have disappointed in this place and no one I am hurting. In this place the last thing I want to be is numb. There aren’t any emergency exit signs. I would love to feel something more than so much pain.

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About Christine O.

A single Mom to two little girls until March 9, 2014 when I married my soul-mate, full time executive in a demanding field, marathon runner, daughter to the perfect parents, oldest sister of a younger brother and sister, coach, boss, girlfriend, best friend, member of the church choir, volunteer in the local Lion's Club and CASA organization, and becoming newly acclimated to the world of mental illness after a life changing event. My goal in blogging and learning as much as I can about this subject is to defeat stigma associated with brain disease and preventing suicide in the future.
This entry was posted in Anxiety, depression, guilt, major depressive disorder, mental illness, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Funny, how you can still feel the pain…

  1. nikkisth0ughts says:

    hang in there! battling all these demons,especially the realization that you have a mental illness like anxiety and depression. we numb ourselves and isolate ourselves…your’e not alone. but each day is a battle, i never know how i will wake up feeling or when i will suffer a panic attack. keep fighting it WILL get better just be patient.
    keep your head up x0

  2. Guy1122 says:

    I know exactly how you feel. Keep breathing. You are alive and there are those who tha m God for your existence. Just keep breathing.

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