Day 11: What is the worst thing in regard to your mental illness(es)?
Stating the obvious would be too easy. I’ve already touched on the symptoms of my specific illnesses and how they affect me in earlier blogs. I find those challenges on the whole to be negative/bad/unfortunate/a bummer, and whatever other not so pleasant describing word one might want to assign a condition that causes a person sadness, discomfort and guilt not for a particular reason but for a maladjustment in brain chemistry.
So I will skip all of that and instead write about what I find these challenges take away from me. Only knowing that I have had these illnesses for a year has led to more fears of what may be a result of my illnesses or what may end up coming from it since for the most part it has always been a part of who I am. (That, ladies and gentleman, is anxiety.)
I can wholeheartedly admit how nervous I am about how I might react if anyone ever blames my being rightfully angry or upset about something that has occurred and because I have chosen to be so open and honest about my illness this person decide to assume to blame my reaction on my mental illness instead of apologizing for whatever it is they did to make me angry or upset to begin with. My wrestling with the decision to be open or hide this has been tough. I pray no one is cruel enough to try to use that against me. Mental illness certainly doesn’t make me any less of a person. And if I don’t use it as an excuse (and I don’t and I NEVER will) then no one else has the right to either! I work with it and around it when necessary but I live a very full, busy life and I contribute fully to society as I should. I don’t and won’t ever hurt anyone else, or myself, as a result of my illness and I don’t give anyone else the right to hurt me because of it either.
If at anytime that changes in spite of everything I have done, everyone I have trusted, and all of the work and time invested in my health I believe THAT will have been the very worst thing.
Other than that, as I have said many times, everything happens for a reason. I am not the first person to get sick and I am not the last. Many people have it worse than I do and yet manage to accomplish more so there is no reason for me to feel sorry for myself. Some days it is harder than others to look at this as an opportunity but I try to. If I don’t then (as horribly cliched as it reads) the illness wins. I am extremely competitive and mostly competitive with myself. There isn’t any reason for me to give up now. I just have a bigger DSM vocabulary now. And a few more doctors in my contact list.