Day 20: Where do you get your support?
Once upon a time I would pray to God each night for peace. I asked for relief from my pain. I got weak and angry and would ask Him, “Why me”?! I did everything I was supposed to do. I obeyed my parents, made good grades in school, I was a good wife, loving mother, ambitious employee, caring friend and contributing citizen. I wasn’t perfect but I did everything I could to be a good person. And yet there I was living everyday in misery. I would wake up everyday and act happy and pleasant but feel empty and numb inside; then come home and be exhausted from pretending all day. I knew something was wrong and it couldn’t be normal to suffer the way I was.
That was before my attempt. Both the absolute worst day of my life and yet the start of understanding who I really was instead of hiding from it and getting sicker and more desperate.
Now is A.A. (After Atempt) I have a better idea of what has been going on with me all this time. The best outcome has been that I have found so much support and love when I was most afraid of being shunned and dismissed as crazy. I’ve got amazing therapists and doctors that I can call anytime I need to; I have amazing friends that have not abandoned me or even treated me any differently; I am blessed with a job I adore and coworkers that are like family who haven’t doubted my abilities for a moment; and most importantly, a part of the puzzle I had wrongly underestimated, my family. They have supported me from the start despite this all being new and not understood to any of us. My family have also encouraged my talking and writing about my experiences to help other people when I thought they might rather I didn’t out of embarrassment or discomfort. Instead I have found that they are proud that I have been open about my health and my path to get healthy again.
I have no doubt that there will be a day when I will find misunderstanding, further stigma and predjudices and even though that isn’t okay I am prepared for that. The support I have found and the things I have learned have helped me realiZe that those who don’t find a person’s ability to overcome and thrive despite having a condition like one of those I have may be worse off than the person with the condition.