I got married two weeks ago. Something I never thought I would live to see. I married my dream guy; someone who knows the worst things about me and loves me anyway. I promised him he would have me just the way I am for the rest of my life. Surprisingly and inconceivable to me…he feels like he is lucky to have me.
His name is Jason he has been my best friend for well over a year. He was there the day I tried for hours to kill myself, but he didn’t know. I was able to make him leave without seeing me by telling him I was sick. But that is another story. He is attractive and smart, calm and successful, loving and stable. Everything I wished for but never thought I would have for myself and my children.
Before I agreed to have a romantic relationship with him I disclosed every ugly thing about myself; how sick I really am and how there is a chance that I may die by my own hand someday no matter how much love he gives me. He understands all of this and agreed to fight mental illness with me.
I feel badly for him because although I do love him and feel as good as I ever have, happiness still eludes me. I am worried that he will feel responsible for that and that in turn I will make him, a mentally healthy person, unhappy as well.
There are details about us now being married that comfort me. He knows I have illnesses and I feel safe telling him if I begin to feel unwell. He has great insurance and adding me and my children to his policy didn’t cost him any money, saves us $400 a month by canceling my policy at work, and one burden that has always weighed heavily on my shoulders is lessened; if I were to someday become too sick to work my children and I will still have health coverage. But yet …another burden on him. This he also dismissed.
I suppose I should let myself relax and enjoy being married to the love of my life, but I can’t help but feeling as if I am a broken gift brought to the birthday party. He is getting a raw deal. But as much as I tried to tell him how damaged I am and that by marrying me he will have to have me in sickness and in health and I am SO terrified of the sickness. There are days when I wake up wondering if I will be okay today; and days I wish I hadn’t woken up at all. But still no days that are like that terrible, numb, bloody day back in November 2012.
If there is, I know I have him to sit next to me until it passes or to get me to a hospital. I can’t help but feel that I have given him more of a life sentence than an equal partner.