…and the bride wore black

I got married two weeks ago. Something I never thought I would live to see. I married my dream guy; someone who knows the worst things about me and loves me anyway. I promised him he would have me just the way I am for the rest of my life. Surprisingly and inconceivable to me…he feels like he is lucky to have me.

His name is Jason he has been my best friend for well over a year. He was there the day I tried for hours to kill myself, but he didn’t know. I was able to make him leave without seeing me by telling him I was sick. But that is another story. He is attractive and smart, calm and successful, loving and stable. Everything I wished for but never thought I would have for myself and my children.

Before I agreed to have a romantic relationship with him I disclosed every ugly thing about myself; how sick I really am and how there is a chance that I may die by my own hand someday no matter how much love he gives me. He understands all of this and agreed to fight mental illness with me.

I feel badly for him because although I do love him and feel as good as I ever have, happiness still eludes me. I am worried that he will feel responsible for that and that in turn I will make him, a mentally healthy person, unhappy as well.

There are details about us now being married that comfort me. He knows I have illnesses and I feel safe telling him if I begin to feel unwell. He has great insurance and adding me and my children to his policy didn’t cost him any money, saves us $400 a month by canceling my policy at work, and one burden that has always weighed heavily on my shoulders is lessened; if I were to someday become too sick to work my children and I will still have health coverage. But yet …another burden on him. This he also dismissed.

I suppose I should let myself relax and enjoy being married to the love of my life, but I can’t help but feeling as if I am a broken gift brought to the birthday party. He is getting a raw deal. But as much as I tried to tell him how damaged I am and that by marrying me he will have to have me in sickness and in health and I am SO terrified of the sickness. There are days when I wake up wondering if I will be okay today; and days I wish I hadn’t woken up at all. But still no days that are like that terrible, numb, bloody day back in November 2012.

If there is, I know I have him to sit next to me until it passes or to get me to a hospital. I can’t help but feel that I have given him more of a life sentence than an equal partner.

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About Christine O.

A single Mom to two little girls until March 9, 2014 when I married my soul-mate, full time executive in a demanding field, marathon runner, daughter to the perfect parents, oldest sister of a younger brother and sister, coach, boss, girlfriend, best friend, member of the church choir, volunteer in the local Lion's Club and CASA organization, and becoming newly acclimated to the world of mental illness after a life changing event. My goal in blogging and learning as much as I can about this subject is to defeat stigma associated with brain disease and preventing suicide in the future.
This entry was posted in Anxiety, depression, guilt, Health, major depressive disorder, mental illness, OCD, perfectionism, PTSD, recovery, single parenthood, stigma, suicide attempt survivor, Uncategorized, Wedding and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to …and the bride wore black

  1. Nope. Sorry. I don’t buy it Christine. 🙂

    He sounds like a romantic, a caregiver, and a loving person. And going into this as he has, with the knowledge you’ve given him about yourself, I highly doubt you will ever make him unhappy or miserable. Other lesser men, perhaps, but I don’t think you can with him.

    And, as you know, you’re short changing yourself. He married you — he is loving you — as the person you truly are. He didn’t do all that because of your circumstances or out of pity. I don’t know him, but I do know that if he has chosen to be with you, then he loves the true you and that he will do all he can to help you find happiness within. And he will take whatever comes his way with a sense of peace and love. He will be there for you when you’re feeling down. I have no doubt.

    Don’t spiral downward with the thought that you are taking something away from him (his happiness). To him, you are not a burden. Don’t let those thoughts consume you. Refuse to give them any room in your mind. Focus on love, your life, your family, your new husband. Let those things occupy your mind. The results will be happiness. When you hit bumps along the way, he will help you smooth them out.

    So, the only thing I “buy” is that your life has already become less bumpy. And the future looks great.

  2. Rahala Begum says:

    I feel like this SO often, it’s nice to know someone else can relate but it sucks that we both go through this 😦

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