My daughter mentioned to me a few weeks/days ago that someone she knew at school had lost her mother. She had lost her to suicide. I felt that familiar numbness envelop me, took a Xanax and said something about how sad that was. She mumbled, “Maybe I should talk to her. I’ll give her time.”
Last night my daughter mentioned her again. I have no doubt she is picturing herself as this girl. She almost was. I try not to make any of it about me. How self centered of me…but I can’t help but look her up on Facebook. I didn’t know her; my daughter didn’t know the little girl well; but we can both identify.
I find myself numb again, and then sad. Very, very sad. What if I hadn’t failed to get that community suicide prevention program here? Would it have impacted this young, pretty, well liked mother at all? Would that have saved this precious girl’s Mom? Possibly not. I recall avoiding and even shunning anything having to do with mental illness and suicide when I was falling. Down that rabbit hole. And I know nothing about this Mother. Except that she died. And she didn’t have to. And I hurt so badly for this girl and her family and I know what this lady may have felt in those last moments, hours, days, months and maybe even years.
I pray the people around her are kind and gracious. I hope she knows her mother loved her very much, this I could see on Facebook. I saw her biblical quotes, her shared family pictures with her smiling big, her pride in her home and life. I could almost see her underlying darkness. Only because I am again, making it about me. It’s not. But it is. It’s not your fault, little sweet girl. I am so sorry you don’t have your Mom anymore. She must have been in pain you couldn’t understand.
I am so sorry.