I remember being cold and that it was dark but not so dark that I couldn’t see what was happening. There was a light, that’s right… one light was on. I was crying without making a sound. I can’t recall any noises. There were just tears. My eyes were blank. If you could have seen me you might think I was stuck paralyzed inside my body; eyes blank, body slack, slow unsteady tears falling occasionally.
That man was there; his warm hand on my cold one. I couldn’t look at him. I can’t accept what he is doing to me. I have long ago disassociated, separated myself from what and where reality had me. Who am I kidding; I did this to myself. I put myself here. This is the end result of a long line of mistakes and failures.
Only a thin cottony dress covers me now. Nothing underneath and nothing over. I am laying on my side not even trying to put up a fight, that man looming over me. He says nothing to me. I sense that he wants to, but maybe since I am behaving he doesn’t want to press his luck. Instead he continues what he came to do.
Surprisingly, I’m not feeling any pain. I don’t feel anything at the moment. I can’t or the world will fall in on me and I will panic. The man would not like it if I were to panic. The man has a sharp object in my body and I have to stay calm. Disassociate. Deep breaths. I look down at the floor. So much blood on the floor…
The man finishes one side and asks if I can roll over so he can stitch up my other inner arm. He gently lifts my thin, pale, filleted arm onto a table from my hospital bed and unwraps it from the layers of bandages. He sighs and prepares a hooked looking needle with some stitching thread while trying to keep part of my wound from bleeding before it is stitched. The tears start to flow again. I feel sorry for the doctor man, feeling pity for me.
When he’s finished I look like a monster. I feel like one, too. I have to stay numb inside. I’m not worried about the violence I have done to myself, that pain I need to feel. I’m concerned about the fallout to my family. My kids. I couldn’t worry about that right now. I’ll lose all sanity for sure.
I have to breathe and accept wherever this leads me to now.